wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
