There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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