You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
