It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
