I just threw up on my dentist
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Still dying that you shit outside
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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