Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
