Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
