Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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