i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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