shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
