someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He passed out mid-signature
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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