Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
