so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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