I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
