Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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