Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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