Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
