He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
