i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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