I hate your face
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
