Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize