you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
