Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
