She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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