I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
