and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
