Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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