I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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