nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
