and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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