anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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