Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize