So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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