My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
