I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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