Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
