Small penises have feelings too.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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