in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am naked and annoyed.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
