Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
