I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
