All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
