is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
