you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
