I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize