I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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