dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
