Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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