I hate all girls vehemently.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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