Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got inside last night via doggy door
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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