he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
