You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
