You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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