I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
