I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
