She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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