I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
