Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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