I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
