i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize